The smile on your face
I live only to see
It’s enough for me, baby, it’s enough for me…
Heavenly Day, Patty Griffin

So this is how it’s gonna be, I thought as I caught a glimpse of my frumpy un-showered self in the mirror. The same tired lounge pants I’d been wearing for three days fell in baggy lumps over my aching legs. They are one of only three pair that fit me now as I linger in that limbo between pre-pregnancy and maternity clothes.

I moved away from the mirror and sat on the edge of our bed. In the silence, my eyes wandered. They wandered to the makeshift changing table strewn with soggy diapers and a stained changing pad. They wandered to the flickering night light with a burp cloth thrown over it to mute the illumination. They wandered to the pile of dirty laundry. They wandered to the neatly folded pile of workout clothes reminding me that I had again overslept and missed my opportunity to workout.

Then, I heard a soft giggle and my eyes wandered to where Jude lay next to me. His eyes were bright after his full night of sleep and gazed unwaveringly at the ceiling fan circulating on low.

“Silly ole ceiling fan,” I said, laughing at his expression.

His smile grew over several seconds.

“Silly ole ceiling fan,” I said again.

He let out a coo, a goo, and then another full-blown giggle.

“That ole ceiling fan,” I said. “He gets you every time!” I laughed and Jude looked right into my eyes, gave me his biggest grin yet, and in a moment of unlikely coordination, folded his darting hands and put them up to his face. Then he turned his head away with a sigh and went back to laughing at the ceiling fan.

I looked around at all the undone and unkempt things and, against the backdrop of Jude’s laughter, I sighed. I knew all of it would get taken care of. One way or another. I’ll make it to the gym again. The laundry will get done. Our bedroom will someday be a haven of rest rather than diaper-changing central. And I’ll eventually make it out of these lounge pants. But I’ll never get this moment again. This moment where Jude discovers just how funny a ceiling fan can be. And for today, the soft and tireless giggle of my son is more than enough for me. In fact, it’s infinitely more than I deserve.

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